Ink and Chalk

I didn't get to weigh myself today- but i have officially been back on track for 7 days now. Today- 396 calories. All I had was broccoli, yogurt, salmon, and green beans. Rockin. :) I've got myself on a plan. Now I've just got to get back over to the gym.

Erm. Oh. I painted all day today. I bet that burns some cals. Painted my bathroom AND my kitchen- about 7-8 hours total. I'm still nowhere near done, but I should be soon.

Back down to 144. Back on track. Birthday on Sunday!!!!!!!!

Go happiness and joy!

if i had the balls to kill myself i would do it.
not because i hate the world, cause i love the world.
but i really hate myself.

i binged for two and a half days straight. ate about four and a half pounds of calories. somehow I GAINED 14 POUNDS.

i want to die. i just want to die. i feel so out of control and nothing makes any sense. and i was doing so well. i had lost 50 lbs. now i've only lost 36. and i didn't have my period last month, only a little spotting, but i'm still overweight, so i shouldn't be not having a period.

i gained 14 pounds on 4.5 pounds of calories. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT HAPPEN???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's been a weird day. Not too happy with my eating... but at least I didn't go over 1000 again. Still, I'm not back to normal, and I don't know how to get there.... I feel like I'm really lost most of the time... and I get home at night having done so well.... and then I binge... and it all seems like a bad dream. I feel so terrible while I'm eating but i can't stop. It's wrong. I don't know why it's happening. I don't want to swing back to overeating. i don't want to. i want to be thin. Not the fat ugly lard ball I once was. I can't stop crying. I hate my life.

Today:

coffee and creamer 40
Peaches 123
jamba (FREE AT THE GYM!!! WHY DID THEY HAVE TO HAVE CALORIES AT THE GYM?!?!?) 80
Red Bull Sugar Free 374 15
Yam 85 100
cc spread 25
pasta (This was STUPID!!!!) 275
croutons w/salsa 35
Plums 106 49
croutons 75
cereal 45
cereal 45
cereal 45
Total Calories Consumed 952

will finish this later- jack just got here. Dunno if any of this makes sense, it's still got gram measurements thru half of it. Burnt 300 exercising. Jacks coming up stairs. later loves.

So I did several really retarded things today. The first being I had a very large bowl of fruit for breakfast in hopes of boosting my sinking ship that some people call a metabolism. (This made me hungry for the rest of the day.) I then decided to do an hour dance class and an hour on the elliptical... which was GREAT and I burned up more than the calories I ate- but by the time I got out of the gym and back home (approx. 4pm) I was so fucking starving I went nuts and ate the rest of my calories for the day in about 15 minutes.

So at this point I decided it would be a good idea not to eat for the rest of the day... then Jack came over and decided it was necessary that we eat TOGETHER. And since we just got back together, i figured I shouldn't fuck it up with my eating issues again. So I ate with jack, and then he left, and then things were good for a bit until he called me up and we ONCE AGAIN got in a fight. So I binged out. After an already too high calorie day I just snapped. Like completely lost it.

I consumed over 1400 fucking calories today. Then I swallowed a handful of laxies and went back to the gym until it closed. I think I alleviated SOME of the damage... but I think I'm going to wait until Friday to get on the scale again. All I need it to wake up two pounds heavier tomorrow and stuff my damn face again as I cry hysterically.

Todays Calories (This is so embarrassingly gross- you may not want to read this.)

Strawberries 54
Pineapple 11
Grapes 17
Kiwi Fruit, (Chinese Gooseberries), Fresh 15
Mangos 13
Bananas 25
Broccoli, Flower Clusters - Raw 40
Strawberries 133
Broccoli, Flower Clusters - Raw 40
shrimp 80
cc spread 25
cheese 20
sour cream lite 20
taters 96
binge 76
binge 45
binge 135
binge 135
binge 180
binge 100
binge 55
binge 115

Total Calories Consumed 1,430

Minus Exercise Calories Burned - 925

NET CAL INTAKE= 505 (Which is better than it could have been, but god, it makes me sick just to look at it.)

I stayed under 700 today- I may be getting back on track. I think a lot of it has to do with things being better with Jack. I really hate it when we fight... I always eat so bad when we're not doing well...

I'm a little upset today, even though I did pretty well. I've managed to gain weight AGAIN.... and I can't figure out how. I've only had one big binge day in the past two weeks and it was still way less than what I burn in a day...

But still.... I have somehow gone from 144 of the 24th to 145.5 now, AND I'm bloated... and instead of a period this month, I only got spotting AGAIN. (stress?????) And the bloaty feeling doesn't go away with spotting.....

WTF??????????????????? If I gain anymore weight I'm going to be SO pissed....

Oh! Good news though- I had a good gym day- I got over there before AND after work. :) Burned up 602 calories total. :)


Tue, Aug 28 2007

Plums 61
Strawberries 53
Milk, Nonfat, Fluid 11
Peaches 61
Peaches 38
coffee and creamer 55
PRIMAL stick- BBQ 81
Plums 46
Strawberries 19
shrimp and broccoli 165
potatos 65
candy 15
candy (again) 20

Total Calories Consumed 690
Minus Exercise Calories -602

Total Net Calories Consumed 88 CALORIES NET (thank god for the gym)


fat count for the Day = 9g

888 cal, 14 fat- crap.

(though i did get laid... so the day wasn't a complete bust....)

Jack and I are (I believe) back together again... though I'm never wuite sure what's going on with us.

But still not back on track. This breakup has been really hard on me. I struggle to keep myself motivated. The gym closed today at 7, but luckily I got out of work a few minutes early... so I got over there about 6:15. I didn't get a long workout, but I at least got some exercise.... Which drops my net cal count down a bit for the day....

Sun, Aug 26 2007

Plums 58
coffee w/ cream 50
Plum 30
veggie patty w/ veggies 165
1 shrimp skewer 40
1 shrimp skewer 40
Tea, Herb, Other Than Chamomile, Brewed 5
bread and hpney 195
PRIMAL stick- BBQ 81
PRIMAL stick- BBQ 81

Total Calories Consumed 745
Minus Exercise Calories -452

Total Net Calorie Intake 293


So really... today wasn't TOO bad. Though I still need to make up for my big screw up yesterday... I ended up binging REALLY bad and ate about 1400 calories total yesterday, PLUS I couldn't get to the gym yesterday before it closed. (suck.)

I woke up this morning having gained a pound and a half. (GROSS!!!!!!!)

Well... tomorrow is my day off, so I can actually hit the gym hard. I'm not doing any less than a 600 cal workout. (Hopefully I can do an 800... or break it down into two gym visits and do a 1000.)

Tried to talk to Jack tonight. It didn't go as well as I planned it to. Yeah. And I binged.

Sat, Aug 25 2007

Coffee and primal 181
fruits and veggies 125
dinner- shrimp skewers meal 290
bread and marmalade 70
Popcorn, Oil-popped 305

Total Calories Consumed 971

Oh. And the gym closes at 7 on weekends, so since I don't get out of work until after 6 I couldn't even get over there today. i was planning on being home by midnight so I could exercise before bed, but that sure didn't happen. Today has just kinda sucked. Now I'm going to get 5 hours of sleep before I have to get up for work.

High-ness is good. Munchies are not. I was at 399 a few hours ago, and I smoked and binged out and I'm now at 793. But I'm done. Once I post my food, I cannot eat any more at all.

Fri, Aug 24 2007

creamer 40
Coffee - Black 16
coffee and creamer 100
Grapes 25
PRIMAL stick- BBQ 81
PRIMAL stick- BBQ 81
PRIMAL stick- BBQ 81
PRIMAL stick- BBQ 81
PRIMAL stick- BBQ 81
binge- fuck. 130
Grapes 46
Grapes 31

Total Calories Consumed 793
Minus Exercise -275
Net calorie Intake 518 (terrible)

I think that is the worst net this week. damn it.

(but only 14 grams of fat today- and that's better than the last two days.)

Thu, Aug 23 2007

Half & Half Creamer 45
powdered creamer 60
Nectarine 79
sandwich- gardenburger 255
Coffee - Black 27
dinner 300
Diet Mountain Dew Fountain 0
gum and tea 25

Total Calories Consumed 791 (and 24 grams of fat) (Fuck!!!!!)



I dunno how many calories I burned moving furniture and putting things away,
but it was six hours... plus 8 hours at the doggy day care.

Whatever- WAY too many calories.




Wed, Aug 22 2007

Tostitos Light Restaurant Style Tortilla Chips 90
1/2 Amy's Palak Paneer 135
3 Cheese Pasta Supreme 250
gum and one mint candy 30
candy again 40
Grapes 46
small bite of pizza 30
oatmeal 120

Total Calories Consumed 741 (and 20 grams of fat)

Minus Exercise= - 342

Total Net Cal= 399 (Ugh...)


I am officially the fattest cow ever.

Today was shitty. Really fuckin shitty. My boyfriend and I got in ANOTHER fight last night. Made up, then today things got all shitty again and I dumped him cause he just can't seem to LIKE me. Sure he LOVES me... but he doesn't LIKE me so the love part doesn't even matter. I'm so upset rightnow, it's not even funny. So I ate WAY more than I should have, and I'm really upset about it, and MY STOMACH HURTS!

Life sucks sometimes.

I miss Jack...

a lot.

But we don't work, and getting back together with him (if he'd even do it) wouldn't solve any of our problems. So here I sit in sadness. I want to vomit.

TODAYS TOTAL: 896 cal, 11 grams of fat

Tue, Aug 21 2007

Almond Milk and 1.5 Chips 140
Grapes 19
Red Bull Sugar Free 30
3 tortellini pieces 27
Red Bull Sugar Free 15
5 tortellini pieces 45
malibu and midori 260
Pineapple Juice - Canned, With Added Ascorbic Acid, Unsweetened 70
Maraschino Cherries 15
Maraschino Cherries 5
Maraschino Cherries 15
Red Bull Sugar Free 15
sadness food 240


Total Calories Consumed 896
Minus workout cal burned: -502


NET CAL INTAKE: 394 Total (yuck.....)






I miss Jack......

Mon, Aug 20 2007

4 Red Bulls- Sugar Free- 60
Tootsie Pops - Tootsie Pops- 60
Blueberries- 42
Kiwi Fruit - Weighed with Skin- 33
1/2 Egg, Whole - Cooked, Hard-boiled- 39
Blackberries- 31
Strawberries- 34
chung's and green beans- 300
5 tortellini pieces- 45

Total Calories Consumed- 644

MINUS EXERCISE CAL BURNED (Cycling and Treadmill= 646)

TOTAL NET CAL= -2

So I was going to start a 3568 today (mod-ed 2468), but instead I slightly OD'ed on Exlax. Yes, I was stupid. I know. I got sent home from work and twitched, spasmed, and laid barely breathing on my bed all morning. Yeah. I'm that much of a retard. So I ate a bunch of bread and strawberries and drank a bunch of green tea and righted myself.

After all the sh***ing and puking and feeling like I might have a heart attack, I figured it best to eat more than 300 calories today and then once I got to feeling better, hit the gym hard.

Anyway, so I ate, slept, and then got a couple hours in at the gym and burned up 450 cal.

I would have eaten less than I did, but I binged on Strawberries, Shrimp, and Green Beans tonight after my boyfriend and I got in a fight. It's okay though. I think we're alright now and I didn't go over 700 cal, which is my feeling okay about it line- so today wasn't all in all TOO terribly bad.

So now I'm going over to Jack's (my boyfriend's) to spend the night, so it should be a-okay.


Calories for today-

Sun, Aug 19 2007

delightful bread 45
delightful bread 45
delightful bread 45
Ayhan's Famous - Apple Rings - Kosher Selection 63
Strawberries 9
Strawberries 12
Strawberries 23
1 shrimp skewer 40
Beans, Snap, Green - Frozen, Cooked, Boiled, Drained Without Salt 28
Broccoli, Flower Clusters - Raw 36
Chungs 140
Strawberries 50
Strawberries 9
greenbeans 50
1 shrimp skewer 40
1 shrimp skewer 40
candy 20

Total Calories Consumed 694

minus exercise of 450-

244 net cal intake

Weird- I ate the exact same number of calories today as I did yesterday...

Sat, Aug 18 2007

Chung's Chinese Appetizers- 290
Mushrooms - Raw- 50
Stop & Shop Mustard Spicy Brown- 0
Candies, Marshmallows- 22
Mild Taco Sauce- 0
Refried Beans, Traditional - Fat-Free- 25
Lite Sour Cream - Sour Cream & Dips- 34
Better'n Eggs- 72
Chives - Raw- 3
Kraft Free Singles American Cheese- 28
Strawberries- 6
Plums- 92

TOTAL: 623 calories, 8 grams fat

I'm going to try to post my food log here everyday. Hopefully the embarrassment of a terrible day will be enough to keep me on tip top behavior for a while.

Fri, Aug 17 2007

Maryland Style Crab Soup- 240 cal
BUMBLE BEE Pink Crabmeat- 35 cal
Strawberries- 4 cal
Tea, Herb, Other Than Chamomile, Brewed- 2 cal
Diet Coke - (Medium)- 0 cal
Peaches- 16 cal
1 piece of tortellini- 18 cal
Refried Beans, Traditional - Fat-Free- 25 cal
Chives - Raw- 5 cal
Better'n Eggs- 60 cal
Kraft Free Singles American Nonfat Pasteurized Process Cheese Product- 31 cal
Lite Sour Cream - Sour Cream & Dips- 35 cal
Mild Taco Sauce- 0 cal
Ayhan's Famous - Apple Rings - Kosher Selection- 63 cal
BUMBLE BEE Solid White Albacore in Water- 88 cal
Laxative Tea- 2 cal

Total Calories Consumed- 623 calories, 9 grams fat

So I went and got some color remover to get the black out of my hair, and some new dye to color it with. Well the new dye didn't turn my hair the color it was supposed to. It turned it almost black (instead of strawberry blond). So now I am sitting here with more color remover on my head thanks to the nice people at Walgreen who took pity on my crappy $25 dollar dye job (with the dye I bought at their store) and gave me 2 bottles of color remover and a different brand of dye. Hopefully this time I wont come out looking like a retarded monkey is sleeping on top of my head.

On another note- I am still under 600 calories and it's only two hours until my bed time.

Though sadly, I did not get to the gym today- though I'm still planning on hopping on my stationary bike before bed. (Only problem is that the screen broke- so now it doesn't tell me how many calories I'm burning. Oh well.)

have not seen each other in a week. Well, yes, we have seen each other. Gazed blankly at each other as I walk by in the morning. Yet my feet have not hit its pale, cool surface due to the fear of what that scale may read.

My vacation with my boyfriend was a food fest of sorts, where nothing was avoidable, where I drank too much, ate too much, and probably had sex too much- though I count that as my exercise for the trip. I however did get to sweat out in the jacuzzi for an hour, but my eating since then has been up and down.

Some days I eat nothing, some days I gorge. Not doing so hot I guess. But the last two days I have stayed within the starving range, so for that i am thankful, though anything over 1000 is still bothering me terribly. I don't seem to have the focus in the evenings- I can be at 200 at 9 pm, and be at 1000 by 2AM.

This laxative tea I've been drinking is beginning to lose its effect. I should probably switch to pills, but that seems so severe. though I'll probably go out and buy some tomorrow. Any suggestion would be adored, since I haven't needed to buy pills in a while. Something herbal- (as the tea I've been using is)- would be great.

Well. Now i have posted. Maybe I'll peruse the boards before going to bed.

Oh, I quit my job and moved over to another one. Hopefully it'll be enough to live off of.

I ate about four times what I usually eat today.

I know I gained weight.

I didn't even exercise.

I just ate.

Disgusting.

Stupid.

Ugly.

Fat.

me.

I'm back down to where I was before I stopped smoking. 148 TODAY!!!! WooT!